[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!