Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
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Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Best spoiler warning ever
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something