The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”