The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you