“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I don’t know what to do
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!