Bros before Ohioes
You Might Also Like
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Customize Your Wedding.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single