If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
this is the greatest thing ever
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.