We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts