ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
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when there are deer in the woods
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”