The first one, obviously
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Me irl
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”