breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
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There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.