*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You Might Also Like
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’