Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
me as a parent
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.