Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.