Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
The Others (2001)
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.