Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
You Might Also Like
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Lmao 🤣
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.