ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
i choose….tongue
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”