we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I miss this era type of pranks😭
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Why is everyone getting married at me
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
the world’s most popular steaming services
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.