For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
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Lol
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.