My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
This will never not be funny to me.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.