What a chick magnet..
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear