Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.