Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered