Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
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There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
#have a #great #PancakeDay
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.