When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
You Might Also Like
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.