Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
You Might Also Like
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point