Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.