No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*