I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this