Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
What a year we’ve had this week.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked