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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
not for long
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)