Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)