How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
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nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.