I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*