I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.