and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.