*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe