*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??