This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Yes, but it was never about money
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you