FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)