remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
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*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*