Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over