On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
An odd boast
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.