Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
me: my friends:
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity