RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Sooo many times…..
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me and who
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left