yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Good boy 😂😂