Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁