Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
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I’m sorry…what?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.