‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
We found love in a hopeless place.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before