[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”